Show me the narrow, show me the Straight

Mood: Sad
Music: Fuck Machine - Mindless Self Indulgence
Reading: Sandman - Dolls' House
Watching: Doctor Who
Drinking: All the Coffeee

Sometimes... Sometimes it only takes something small to show the crack beneath. I found a picture of my grandfather today, actually a lot of them. But one of him a few weeks before he died. He looked so frail, ghoulish even. I don't remember him that way. I mean, I remember when he was sick, I remember vividly him in the casket.... But when I picture him, he's that medium build man who raised me. I guess this is common enough.

I got caught up on the picture. So terribly sad. It sent me in to a bit of a tailspin, and brought up emotions I've been ignoring, or repressing, I suppose with how busy a life I've been leading lately it's not surprising that I'm trying to avoid anything that may get in the way. But I forget that I'm still recently glued back together, and if I'm not careful I could come apart again.

There have been things I've been putting off. Things I need to do to feel whole again, in a "spiritual" sense.

Microsoft has been an amazing work experience for me. I am loving the environment, the company culture, and most of all, I look forward to going to work. I decided, after seeing what my former classmates have been dealing with, to postpone finishing my program until the Dean has re-worked the program properly. I was already unhappy with the third semester, and if I had been in fourth semester, would have even LESS confidence in the program giving me what I was wanting out of it. Which is sad, because the first two semesters were amazing. In the meantime, I'll make games on my own with Rene, hell, we already have a contract gig we're doing, it's paid which is just icing on the cake.

Finding myself doing the online Dating thing. So far, nothing's occurred. To be honest though, I don't expect much to come from it, much like last time, no matter how many messages, how many profiles I read through and how much I genuinely try to represent myself  on OKC, no one seems interested back. The fleeting replies I get seem doomed to end in my last message sent and no reply given. It's weird, I have other friends meeting with varying degrees of success on OKC, POF, shit, even Tinder, but for me? no dice. I'll keep the profile active, but I think I'm done sending out messages.

I did take a chance a couple weeks back, but got an interesting response, which I guess just showed the major generational difference. She's a cool chick and I'm happy with the way things are, i just wanted to ask her out on the off chance there might have been something there, get to know her outside of the usual group setting we're in. The usual reasons one asks another out, but I guess it's different now.

Ugh, I've been so bad trying to keep in contact with people, people I genuinely didn't mean to lose touch with. But by the time I finish work, then finish "work" (independant work), I just want to spend my time sitting at a table with friends playing boardgames, or in front of screen with my brain off.

Well, I'll just try not to suck so bad at this.