Birthday

Tomorrow is my Birthday. I'll be 29. People keep asking me about it being my last birthday of my 20's. It doesn't feel like a milestone to me. It's another year where I kind of just "got by". Not that I'm sad or anything about that. Given the circumstances I feel like I did VERY well this year in terms of personal growth and even growing up a bit.

I had my birthday thing the other night. I was doing okay until Nelly bought me a shot of vodka, and then Natasha got me a glass of scotch. They brought another girl from the high school years who I haven't seen in probably a decade, and she brought some weed and... well drunk Jamie has never been super great at making decisions. Despite the lack of inner circle exclusivity (I had a few people there that I would like to bring in, but I'm not sure yet), I still had an amazing time.

I think I handled myself reasonably well. I was asked a lot of questions that I think I dodged pretty well. I just didn't feel like answering them for real while I'm drunk, mostly because I don't think I could correctly articulate the right and complex answer.

Yesterday was recovery, and today is writing, music, and planning for my trip to San Jose. Still not sure how I'm getting to the airport. I need to be at the airport for 430am.

I'll probably just take a Taxi...

Failure by Design

Listening To: Pure Morning - Placebo
Drinking: Shocktop
Eating: Carrots
Watching: Nothing


I feel this huge weight on my shoulders lately. I have a lot riding on a potential move at work, and that will decide how the next year or so of my life unfold. I've never been good at making plans in advance, especially that far.

My birthday is coming up. I usually just go out with my friends for a beer, and play pool... Pool is basically the only thing I don't have in common with most of them. I usually use pool as a second or third date. I love the game, but none of my other friends do, and I don't want to force it on them. Besides we all share a love of board games and that's our thing.

With the birthday comes the realization that in several months it will be a new year, and thats brings with it a few major events that happened in January that... broke me in a few ways. The first weekend my grandmother had a stroke, and Allison cutting contact, which is just as much my choice as it was hers, I just didn't have the spine to force it to happen... I had work to distract me, and that helped me cover up the cracks.

I also so my therapist for the first time in a few months. She asked the usual fair of questions, and then we got in to it a bit. She asked me about the medication she prescribed, even though I had called her to tell her I wasn't going to be taking it anymore. Both her and my GP agreed it was the right move since all it seemed to do after a month was make me angry irrationally at things, and generally not change my mood for the better. I was never big on the idea of taking a pill to cure my feelings anyway. She asked me if I was content.The answer I gave her was generally.

The next part I told her was that I was scared. I crashed and burned my own life a few years ago because of being scared, unable to cope, unable to admit truths and unable to open up. I have that same feeling creeping in to me. This time I talk about it, openly, with pretty much anyone who will listen.

She's very good at her job. She simply let me talk about my life, and the various things I think about as I go, sort of like how I used to blog stream of consciousness style. She then took a few minutes to tell me that I'm not the villain I keep making myself feel like. She always says this, because I still feel like a villain in my own life, even though the part of my life is over where I was the villain. Remorse and guilt have a powerful hold on me, and I just need to keep reminding myself that I'm a good person generally.

She also mentioned that I might be feeling these "cracks"(my words) more because we are approaching the anniversary of my grandfathers death. She says she doesn't think I've squared myself with those feelings, nor the feelings I have from when I learned about the sort of man he really was.  I still miss him like crazy. I told her about my grandmothers boyfriend situation, and how it weirds me out, and even made me a little angry the other night.

If i'm still broken from that, it's no wonder I wasn't able to stabilize in a rocky relationship. I pushed away the only person at the time who could have maybe mended me. I shut down because... I didn't know how to do anything else, and I was stubborn, refusing to learn any other way. And then as I learned more I just regressed even more. Knowing doesn't fix it though, and if I'm still coping with the man who raised me being a slight scumbag, then I'm still damaged goods, just in a different way... Maybe I just need to be more upfront about my damages.

My trip to San Jose, away from everything familiar is exactly what I need. A full week in a new city.  I'll take the chance to reset, I hope.

"Gnothi seauton"

"Cry" by The Used

You'll never know what it feels like til you're there.
When love changes, faces appear from nowhere.
Where beautiful, lovely is ugly or alone.
You need me back bad, just can't be on your own.

Love is not a battle, it's a ticking time bomb.
Love is not a battle, it's a ticking time bomb.

I'm gonna let you bleed for a little bit.
I'm gonna make you beg just for making me cry.
I'm gonna make you wish you never said goodbye.

Now your life is broken, revolves around love.
No love of yourself but the love you have lost.
We said desperation is lonely despair.
You don't love yourself, you've got no love to share.

Love is not a battle, it's a ticking time bomb.
Love is not a battle, it's a ticking time bomb.

I'm gonna let you bleed for a little bit.
I'm gonna make you beg just for making me cry.
I'm gonna make you wish you never said goodbye.
I'm gonna let you bleed for a little bit.
I'm gonna make you beg just for making me cry.
I'm gonna make you wish you never said goodbye.

If you're gonna get me back you're gonna have to ask nicer than that.
If you're gonna get me back you're gonna have to ask nicer than that.
Nicer than that!
Nicer than that!
Nicer than that!
Nicer than that!

I'm gonna let you bleed for a little bit.
I'm gonna make you beg just for making me cry.
I'm gonna make you wish you never said goodbye.

If you're gonna get me back you're gonna have to ask nicer than that.
If you're gonna get me back you're gonna have to ask nicer than that.

Never say goodbye!

If you're gonna get me back you're gonna have to ask nicer than that!

Show me the narrow, show me the Straight

Mood: Sad
Music: Fuck Machine - Mindless Self Indulgence
Reading: Sandman - Dolls' House
Watching: Doctor Who
Drinking: All the Coffeee

Sometimes... Sometimes it only takes something small to show the crack beneath. I found a picture of my grandfather today, actually a lot of them. But one of him a few weeks before he died. He looked so frail, ghoulish even. I don't remember him that way. I mean, I remember when he was sick, I remember vividly him in the casket.... But when I picture him, he's that medium build man who raised me. I guess this is common enough.

I got caught up on the picture. So terribly sad. It sent me in to a bit of a tailspin, and brought up emotions I've been ignoring, or repressing, I suppose with how busy a life I've been leading lately it's not surprising that I'm trying to avoid anything that may get in the way. But I forget that I'm still recently glued back together, and if I'm not careful I could come apart again.

There have been things I've been putting off. Things I need to do to feel whole again, in a "spiritual" sense.

Microsoft has been an amazing work experience for me. I am loving the environment, the company culture, and most of all, I look forward to going to work. I decided, after seeing what my former classmates have been dealing with, to postpone finishing my program until the Dean has re-worked the program properly. I was already unhappy with the third semester, and if I had been in fourth semester, would have even LESS confidence in the program giving me what I was wanting out of it. Which is sad, because the first two semesters were amazing. In the meantime, I'll make games on my own with Rene, hell, we already have a contract gig we're doing, it's paid which is just icing on the cake.

Finding myself doing the online Dating thing. So far, nothing's occurred. To be honest though, I don't expect much to come from it, much like last time, no matter how many messages, how many profiles I read through and how much I genuinely try to represent myself  on OKC, no one seems interested back. The fleeting replies I get seem doomed to end in my last message sent and no reply given. It's weird, I have other friends meeting with varying degrees of success on OKC, POF, shit, even Tinder, but for me? no dice. I'll keep the profile active, but I think I'm done sending out messages.

I did take a chance a couple weeks back, but got an interesting response, which I guess just showed the major generational difference. She's a cool chick and I'm happy with the way things are, i just wanted to ask her out on the off chance there might have been something there, get to know her outside of the usual group setting we're in. The usual reasons one asks another out, but I guess it's different now.

Ugh, I've been so bad trying to keep in contact with people, people I genuinely didn't mean to lose touch with. But by the time I finish work, then finish "work" (independant work), I just want to spend my time sitting at a table with friends playing boardgames, or in front of screen with my brain off.

Well, I'll just try not to suck so bad at this.

There's a larger Blog coming, promise. Have to organize my life from the last few months

.....I think in decimals and dollars.

I am the cause to all your problems,

Shelter from cold. we are never alone.

Coordinate brain and mouth.

Then ask me whats it like to have

Myself so figured out.

I wish I knew......

...

We are the best at what we do.

And these are the words you wish you wrote down.

This is the way you wish your voice sounds,

Handsome and smart.

Oh my tongue's the only muscle on my body

That works harder than my heart.

And its all from watching TV,

And from speeding up my breathing.

Wouldn't stop if I could.

Oh it hurts to be this good.

You're holding on to your grudge.

Oh it hurts to always have to be honest

With the one that you love.

Oh, so let it go..

And you'd still be gone.

If I had a dollar bill for every time I’ve been wrong
I’d be a self-made millionaire and you’d still be gone
So hand me down my best dress shoes and my best dress shirt
Cause I’m going out in style to cover the hurt
And all I wanna do all day is spend it in bed
But that’s bad for the body and even worse for my head
So I’ll try and find a place where no one will ask me a thing
It’ll help to forget and help me to sing

Cause now I’m drunk again
The means to my end
And I’m scared of myself
Cause now it’s the same the faces and names
And I’m scared of myself again

Have you ever wanted to wake up from your dreaming
Scared you so bad you couldn’t control your heart or your breathing
Well walk out the door with me on the floor
You don’t care how I’m feeling
I guess a weak and tired and frightened man is no longer appealing

Some people have a gift of reaching right into your soul
and finding the whole and making it
bigger
Baby sometimes I think I catch ya crackin’ cynical smiles
and in a short while you’ll be my
heart’s grave digger
Well there’s not much I can do
Cause I’m at the mercy of you
So baby I guess we’re through

Cause now I’m drunk again
The means to my end
And I’m scared of myself
Cause now it’s the same the faces and names
And I’m scared of myself again
Cause now it’s all the same the faces and the names
So go walk out the door you don’t believe me no more
And I’m scared of myself again

If I had a dollar bill for every time I been wrong
I’d be a self made millionaire and I wouldn’t be singing

I'm not ready to be a grown up

Sure, I joke about being immature, and will continue to be a kid until I am likely well in to my 40’s. But today made me realize just how unprepared I really am for that kind of responsibility. For the 6 hours I sat in the ER with my grandmother, even knowing it was just a dizzy spell that happened to hit with a migraine, I couldn’t help but think of the worst possibilities.

If I had lost her today, I wouldn’t even know where to start. I know where the will is kept, and I feel I could handle all the… administrative tasks involved (of course her sister and brother would help I imagine…).

I’m glad shes okay. I really am not ready to be a grown up yet, at least not completely.