And you'd still be gone.

If I had a dollar bill for every time I’ve been wrong
I’d be a self-made millionaire and you’d still be gone
So hand me down my best dress shoes and my best dress shirt
Cause I’m going out in style to cover the hurt
And all I wanna do all day is spend it in bed
But that’s bad for the body and even worse for my head
So I’ll try and find a place where no one will ask me a thing
It’ll help to forget and help me to sing

Cause now I’m drunk again
The means to my end
And I’m scared of myself
Cause now it’s the same the faces and names
And I’m scared of myself again

Have you ever wanted to wake up from your dreaming
Scared you so bad you couldn’t control your heart or your breathing
Well walk out the door with me on the floor
You don’t care how I’m feeling
I guess a weak and tired and frightened man is no longer appealing

Some people have a gift of reaching right into your soul
and finding the whole and making it
bigger
Baby sometimes I think I catch ya crackin’ cynical smiles
and in a short while you’ll be my
heart’s grave digger
Well there’s not much I can do
Cause I’m at the mercy of you
So baby I guess we’re through

Cause now I’m drunk again
The means to my end
And I’m scared of myself
Cause now it’s the same the faces and names
And I’m scared of myself again
Cause now it’s all the same the faces and the names
So go walk out the door you don’t believe me no more
And I’m scared of myself again

If I had a dollar bill for every time I been wrong
I’d be a self made millionaire and I wouldn’t be singing

I'm not ready to be a grown up

Sure, I joke about being immature, and will continue to be a kid until I am likely well in to my 40’s. But today made me realize just how unprepared I really am for that kind of responsibility. For the 6 hours I sat in the ER with my grandmother, even knowing it was just a dizzy spell that happened to hit with a migraine, I couldn’t help but think of the worst possibilities.

If I had lost her today, I wouldn’t even know where to start. I know where the will is kept, and I feel I could handle all the… administrative tasks involved (of course her sister and brother would help I imagine…).

I’m glad shes okay. I really am not ready to be a grown up yet, at least not completely.

A long story , full of sighs.

"Angel" - Everlast

Imma find me
A woman that's real
Imma find me
A woman that's strong
Imma find me
A woman that's oh so true
I got a pedestal to put her on

I found me a Girl
She's sweet as could be
An everythin' in her world
Revolved all around me

I had a chance to make her mine
But I was to blind to see
And now I got to let her go
An pray she comes back to me

-She's my angel she's my lover
-She's my very best friend
-I hate her cause I love her
-So I hurt her again
-Don't want no other lover
-Won't go through it again
-She's my Angel She's my lover
-She's my very best friend

Imma find me
A woman that's young
Imma find me
A woman that's pretty
Imma find me
A woman that swears i'm the one
An imma try not to treat her shitty

Girl I been drinkin
Ever since you been gone
An I been thinkin
Maybe that I was wrong
You been holdin' out for way to long
I get this feeling you don't wanna belong

-She's my Angel, She's my Lover
-She's my very best friend
-I hate her cause I love her
-So I hurt her again
-Don't want no other lover
-Won't go through it again
-She's my Angel She's my lover
-She's my very best friend

Imma find me
A woman that's tough
Imma find me
A woman that's loyal
Imma find me
A woman that say she got enough
And that's the one i'm gonna spoil

Well I've been waitin
Such a very long time
My hearts gonna break
Girl if I don't make you mine

What's past is past
What's done I cannot rewind
All said and done girl
So your one of a kind

-She's my Angel, She's my Lover
-She's my very best friend
-I hate her cause I love her
-So I hurt her again
-Don't want no other lover
-Won't go through it again
-She's my Angel She's my lover
-She's my very best friend

-She's my Angel, She's my Lover
-She's my very best friend
-I hate her cause I love her
-So I hurt her again
-Don't want no other lover
-Won't go through it again
-She's my Angel She's my lover
-She's my very best friend

I know I'm bad news.

"Just One Yesterday" - Fall Out Boy
(feat. Foxes)

I thought of angels
Choking on their halos
Get them drunk on rose water
See how dirty I can get them
Pulling out their fragile teeth
And clip their tiny wings

Anything you say can and will be held against you
So only say my name
It will be held against you
Anything you say can and will be held against you
So only say my name

If heaven’s grief brings hell’s rain
Then I’d trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday
(I know I’m bad news)
For just one yesterday
(I saved it all for you)
Oh, I want to teach you a lesson in the worst kind of way
Still I’d trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday
(I know I’m bad news)
For just one yesterday
(I saved it all for you)
For just one yesterday

Letting people down is my thing, baby
Find yourself a new gig
This town ain’t big enough for two of us
I don’t have the right name
Or the right looks
But I have twice the heart

Anything you say can and will be held against you
So only say my name
It will be held against you
Anything you say can and will be held against you
So only say my name (name)

If heaven’s grief brings hell’s rain
Then I’d trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday
(I know I’m bad news)
For just one yesterday
(I saved it all for you)
I want to teach you a lesson in the worst kind of way
Still I’d trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday
(I know I’m bad news)
For just one yesterday
(I saved it all for you)
For just one yesterday

If I spilled my guts
The world would never look at you the same way
And now I’m here to give you all my love
So I can watch your face as I take it all away, away, away, ay ay ay

If heaven’s grief brings hell’s rain
Then I’d trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday
(I know I’m bad news)
For just one yesterday
(I saved it all for you)
I want to teach you a lesson in the worst kind of way
Still I’d trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday
(I know I’m bad news)
For just one yesterday
(I saved it all for you)
For just one yesterday

Extended Family

So, I don’t really have any attachment to my extended family (as in, my grandmothers sister/brother and their families). I recently asked a question on behalf of my friends, just as a curiosity. Had I known the drama that would ensue from it, I wouldn’t have bothered.

So my old basement apartment has been quasi-occupied for the last year or so, by my cousin, and her baby. I say quasi because since I moved back in April she has been here, collectively for maybe…I don’t know, 3 weeks? 3 Weeks out of  6 months. All her stuff is in there, crib, an electric fire place, etc. But she is notably absent most of the time. At first I thought it might be my presence, but I’m clearly not a bother. Even when I moved my “office” downstairs I was polite, I used headphones, and did little in the way to cause disruption to her. The conflict isn’t here, because this is just context. Also, she hasn’t paid any rent. This is important for a couple reasons:

1 1)      While family, it was expected that there would be SOMETHING paid

2 2)     When I asked if the apartment was available, my grandmother liked the prospect of actually earning some income out of the apartment.

So when I asked if it was available, or would be available, as my cousin is here maybe 3 days out of a month, I assumed it would be a “let me see”.

What actually happened was a shit storm of drama, and this all within the last week or so.

Now my grandmother has only been “texting” for… a month? Maybe 2. So her texts are fairly blunt, much like her, and she gets to the point. It sounds like the text message to my cousin went something like this: “I have someone who wants to rent the apartment for November”. Notice no question mark? So whatever, apparently my cousin relents it, says that’s fine, then bitches to my great Aunt, who in turn starts to bitch at my grandmother, now leveraging the baby (“you will only see her at formal family occasions” real fucking mature for a woman in her 60s right?), and making my grandmother feel supremely guilty I imagine.

Like… I don’t know man, my grandmother could have gone about it in a more subtle way, but some context on my grandmother: She looked after her mother, in her house (the one I currently live in) for… what felt like forever, and I can count on one hand the number of times my aunt came to visit outside of regular holidays and mother’s day.  She has paid airfare for my cousin to fly home from London when her job was not working out over there (London England). She paid for her flight to Cuba, the same trip she got knocked up by a Cuban local. She has put a lot of time into driving both my cousin and great aunt around to various appointments and other things. My grandmother is the most giving person I know. And I know I don’t appreciate it enough. But to see her SISTER treat her this way? To see my cousin hide behind her mother like this when she is nearly 30? Like… What the fuck. On top of that, my aunt took a swipe at me and my “silly” friends. I don’t really care what my aunt thinks about me or my friends, silly as we are, but when I’m already angry at you for your treatment of my grandmother (The most generous person, of heart and of finances), it’s the final nail in the coffin. I was cordial and polite at her 60^th birthday the other weekend, had I known this was the flag she was actually flying, things would be different.

I touched on me not being appreciative enough. This track of events has… impressed upon me the importance of not taking that for granted.

*Disclaimer: I may not have the whole story, but I have enough. I can’t envision a world where my grandmother is in the wrong here, unless she’s secretly Hitler, she’s just not a bad person.

Sunday Morning

Dream was a weird version of Veronica Mars meets my life.
She was solving a Rape and murder. But she wasn't really, it was like I was on a holodeck and playing between her and someone else, because I was apparently already aware of some of the larger details of the case, the only thing I couldn't remember was the name. It was in my friend Malley's parent's house.

Except larger, and it swapped from about  single rape and murder to a weird cult holding the house party hostage. Cell phones were collected, except for mine which was my old iphone 3GS. I solved the murder, but knew I had to wait for the police to ride in to the rescue, which was some time away, so I volunteered to cooperate if they let me sit on a couch and watch TV, which they did. Then veronica mars dragged some other blond girl, cute enough I suppose. She was handcuffed, and bitching about it. I don't remember the specifics, but this girl was an ex (not a real ex) of mine. Claiming she had some something something... whatever. It's fading now, some big dude i nthe cult came down, worried about a wire tap in a lamp, since the light was out...

That's where I woke up. It was a weird and offputting dream

The best of us can find happiness in misery(Fall Our Boy Lyrics)

Say my name and his in the same breath
I dare you to say they taste the same
Let the leaves fall off in the summer
And let December glow in flames

Erase myself and let go
Start it over again in Mexico
These friends, they don't love you
They just love the hotel suites, now

I don't care what you think as long as it's about me 
The best of us can find happiness in misery 
Said,
I don't care what you think as long as it's about me 
The best of us can find happiness in misery

Oh take a chance, let your body get a tolerance 
I'm not a chance, put a heat wave in your pants 
Pull a breath like another cigarette 
Pawnshop heart trading up (trading up) 

On the oracle in my chest, 
Let the guitar scream like a fascist 
Sweat it out, shut your mouth 
free love on the streets but 
in the alley it ain't that cheap, now

I don't care what you think as long as it's about me 
The best of us can find happiness in misery 
Said,
I don't care what you think as long as it's about me 
The best of us can find happiness in misery

Said,
I don't care just what you think 
as long as it's about me, you said
I don't care just what you think 
as long as it's about me, I said
I don't care (I don't care)
Said, I don't care (I don't care)
Said, I (I) don't (don't) care (care)
I (I) don't (don't) care (no I don't)
I don't care, (I said)
I don't care, (I said)
I (I) don't (don't) care (care)

I don't care what you think as long as it's about me 
The best of us can find happiness in misery 
Said,
I don't care what you think as long as it's about me 
The best of us can find happiness in misery