You Could save me from the Way I Tend to Be.

"The Way I Tend To Be"

Some mornings I pray for evening,
For the day to be done.
Some summer days I hide away
And wait for rain to come.
It turns out hell will not be found
Within the fires below,
But in making do and muddling through
When you've nowhere else to go.

But then I remember you,
And the way you shine like truth in all you do.
And if you remembered me,
You could save me from the way I tend to be.
The way I tend to be

Some days I wake up dazed my dear,
And I don't know where I am.
I've been running now so long I'm scared
I've forgotten how to stand.
And I stand alone in airport bars
And gather thoughts to think:
That if all I had was one long road
It could drive a man to drink.

But then I remember you,
And the way you shine like truth in all you do.
And if you remembered me,
You could save me from the way I tend to be.

'Cause I've said I love you so many times that the words kinda die in my mouth.
And I meant it each time with each beautiful woman but somehow it never works out.
But you stood apart in my calloused heart, and you taught me and here's what I learned:
That love is about all the changes you make and not just three small words.

And then I catch myself
Catching your scent on someone else
In a crowded space
And it takes me somewhere I cannot quite place.

And then I remember you,
And the way you shine like truth in all you do.
And if you remembered me,
You could save me from the way I tend to be, the way I tend to be.
Way I tend to be.
The way I tend to be.

Her Words Destroyed my Planet - MCS

Maybe you were right after all...

Maybe I'm just bad news...

I've been drowning in memories

Call it residual blues

I fell asleep watching Veronica Mars again

(Hey!)

I still futz with that tourniquet

And tried to squeeze on your dreams

Slung it on- it's a perfect fit

What do you suppose that means?

My parents keep asking when you're planning on coming around

If we'd only stayed together

I might not have fallen apart

But the words you served destroyed my planet

I stall before I start

I stall before I start anything at all

Got a job at uncommon grounds

I finally shaved off that beard

I sold my Xbox to Jimmy down the street

Hell, I even quit smoking weed

I'm taking an online course- I'm learning to speak Japanese

If we'd only stayed together

I might not have fallen apart

But the words you served destroyed my planet

I stall before I start

I stall before I start anything at all

The things that used to mean so much to me...

Have gone the way of dinosaurs, hopes and dreams, and everything

All I want for you to be is happy or something...

I guess anything is better than the time you spent hoping I'd get it sorted out

I sent you a post card

But the post office sent it back...

They said the buildings been torn down

I just miss what I thought we would have

If we'd only stayed together

I might not have fallen apart

But the words you served destroyed my planet

It's all my fucking fault!

If we'd only stayed together

I might not have fallen apart

But the words you served destroyed my planet

I stall before I start

I stall before I start anything at all

We're broken People

"Screen"

I do not know why I would go

In front of you and hide my soul

Cause you're the only one who knows it,

Yeah you're the only one who knows it

And I will hide behind my pride

Don't know why I think I can lie

Cause there's a screen on my chest

Yeah there's a screen on my chest

I'm standing in front of you

I'm standing in front of you

I'm trying to be so cool

Everything together trying to be so cool

[x2]

I can't see past my own nose, I'm seeing everything in slo-mo

Look out below crashing down to the ground just like a vertical locomotive

That's a train, am I painting the picture that's in my brain?

A train from the sky, locomotive, my motives are insane

My flow's not great, okay, I conversate with people

Who know if I flow on a song I'll get no radio play

While you're doing fine, there's some people and I

Who have a really tough time getting through this life

So excuse us while we sing to the sky.

I'm standing in front of you

I'm standing in front of you

I'm trying to be so cool

Everything together trying to be so cool

[x2]

We're broken

We're broken

We're broken

We're broken people, oh.

We're broken people, oh.

[x3]

(We're broken

We're broken

We're broken

We're broken people, oh.

We're broken people, oh.)

[x2]

I'm standing in front of you

I'm standing in front of you

I'm trying to be so cool

Everything together trying to be so cool

[x2]

Stand Up straight but have the Strength to Fall

Gotta get it right, gotta get it right

To make today mine

I wanna be the best

I wanna wake up feeling like I fucking slept

I wanna prove you wrong, that my story isn't written

I wanna be something gold, I wanna be someone different

Wanna turn back the clock, tell my father to be stronger

Cause he missed me growing up

And I want to tell the little girl in the corner of that room

Don't lose hope, just be brave, things get better soon

I wanna fall in love

I wanna crash and burn but learn to rise above

And I don't care about success, I just wanna make you proud

I wanna be the kind of person who shows up and sticks around

I wanna stay sincere, but that kind of thing is tricky

When you give up all yourself and still the end result is iffy

Like nothing I've created even matters

So now I wanna do stupid shit, I wanna get fucking plastered

Want to get out my brain, want to shed my skin

I need to find someone to tuck me in

Want you to know that I wanna be better

But it feels like it's gonna take forever

Gotta get it right, gotta get it right

To make today mine

I wanna do it all

I wanna stand up straight but have the strength to fall

I wanna tell my cousin to stop treating people bad

I know you think that no one sees, but I've been keeping tabs

I wanna be consoled

I want the world to change, I wanna die when I'm old

And I don't wanna make mistakes that I've been watching all my life

It's easy to do because, I want to be good despite

I wanna go somewhere else, I wanna get super high

Tell you to go fuck yourself, cause shit I'm doing fine

I wanna go break the chain of what I'm supposed to be

I wanna locate my faith, drop down on both my knees

And honestly, I wanna ask if you'd stay

For a night, for a week, or just a day

Always moving too late, shit I've been regretting

I wanna throw my phone, I wanna quit confessing

I wanna cast the blame, but nobody's at fault

Confusion got me building these walls

Want you to know that I wanna be better

But it feels like it's going to take forever

[Hook]

Gotta get it right, gotta get it right

To make today mine

Calm Before the Storm

Winds blowing hard in a direction and I can feel it. It was likely inevitable, and I am more than prepared. There is still much work to do, and still so much more of my life to experience. I'll be okay, just give me a minute :).

I don't pretend to have any Shame

I felt whole for the first time about a week go, in about 2 years. There was some question as to where I am, how I feel or my contentedness.

I cancelled all my online dating profiles, deleted OKcupid, the only thing left is Tinder on my phone, and honestly The only reason I keep it is to show people that Tinder exists on Windows Phone at work. It felt liberating. It's basically a full time job; convincing someone, based solely on little white boxes on the internet and a few pictures, to meet you, and there's no guarantee there will be a connection. I have succeeded 3 times at this, and none of them panned out.  Besides, I'd rather take that energy and put it into developing existing or new skills, fostering existing relationships. That's not to say I'm not open to things as they develop, but I'm done chasing that carrot.

Things feel great, and are great, and I felt like sharing it with the world. More The Weeknd now.

You just wanna fill the void now

I can tell that you've been yelling at him all night long

And I can hear it in your voice now

He got you smoking extra packs a day

Don't you worry 'bout me talking

I know why you've been coming

I'll be quiet, this ain't nothing to me

Just wrap your legs around my waist

I won't stop until you ask me

Don't you worry 'bout us messing up my sheets

Cause unlike you I got nothing to hide

I don't pretend to have any shame

I got a box we could put all your lies in

Until the end of days

You know that I will be a call away

The call you make when you're all alone

And I know that I will always be the one

You repent when you are done

The Weeknd Delivers

You’ll never make me stay
So take your weight off of me
I know your every move
So won’t you please let me be
I’ve been here times before
But I was to blind to see
That you seduce every man
This time you won’t seduce me

She’s saying that’s ok
Hey, baby, do what you please
I am the stuff that you want
I am the thing that you need
She looked me deep in the eyes
She’s touchin’ me so to start
She says there’s no turnin’ back
She trapped me in her heart

[Hook]
Dirty Diana, no
Dirty Diana, no
Dirty Diana, no
Dirty Diana
Let me be!

Ooh

She likes the boys in the band
She knows when they come to town
Every musician’s fan after the curtains come down
She waits at backstage doors
For those who have prestige
Who promise fortune and fame
A life that’s so carefree

She’s saying that’s ok
Hey, baby, do what you want
I’ll be your night lovin’ thing
I’ll be the freak you can taunt
And I don’t care what you say
I want to go too far
I’ll be your everything
If you make me a star

[Hook]
Dirty Diana, oh
Dirty Diana, no
Dirty Diana, ooh
Dirty Diana
Dirty Diana, ooh
Dirty Diana, no
Dirty Diana, no
Dirty Diana
Let me be…

She said I have to go home
Cause I’m real tired you see
But I hate sleepin’ alone
Why don’t you come with me
I said my baby’s at home
She’s probably worried tonight
I didn’t call on the phone to
Say that I’m alright

Diana walked up to me
She said I’m all yours tonight
At that I ran to the phone
Sayin’ baby, I’m alright
I said unlock the door
Because I forgot the key
She said he’s not coming back
Because he’s sleeping with me

Bigger on the Inside

Every I think I've hit some sort of breakthrough, or objective, I'm reminded of how unaware I am of my capabilities. I am good at what I do.

tbs

"They Don't Have Any Friends"

It's a free for all
First comments served
Half listens in
And haven't watched it until the end yet
I haven't watched it until the end
But you can't stop yourself
(You can't stop yourself)
But you can't stop yourself
(Before you could get it for free)
Do you remember what that used to mean?

I'm not angry, I'm not anything at all
I'm not angry
I'm not anything at all
Why work if you don't have to?
Don't listen we'll do it for you
Cause I feel like a bigger man
With the upper hand
In those last few seconds before I hit send

I keep my head down and hope for a hit
Open the flood gates for all those smug little kids
(It's not their fault)
They don't have any friends
(They can't help themselves)
They can't stop themselves
(They can't stop themselves)
Undressing themselves
(Alone in their room)
Thinking that no one will ever love them
(Is to tell me what I'm doing wrong)

It didn't make you happy, It didn't make you anything at all
But you kept asking
You kept asking for that song
And I'm not angry, I'm not anything at all
I'm not angry
I'm not anything at all
Why work if you don't have to?
Don't listen we'll do it for you
Cause I feel like a bigger man
With the upper hand
In those last few seconds before I hit send

It didn't make you happy, It didn't make you anything at all
But you kept asking
You kept asking for that song

Why work if you don't have to?
Don't listen we'll do it for you
Cause I fell like a bigger man
With the upper hand
In those last few seconds before I hit send

Krewella - Dancing with the Devil

You're dancing with the devil
You're dancing with the devil

Whoa oh, whoa oh
Our clipped wings will never hold us down,
Whoa oh, whoa oh
We are kings from the underground
We, we came, to rain on your parade
And if we die, then, who will be your remedy,
so shut the fuck up, we're about to leave a legacy.

We are louder the your bullshit
So, you're just dancing with the devil
We are louder then your bullshit
So, just dancing with the devil

Whoa oh, whoa oh,
Our clipped wings will never hold us down,
Whoa oh, whoa oh,
We are kings from the underground
We, we came, to rain on your parade
And if we die, then, who will be your remedy
So shut the fuck up, we're about to leave a legacy

We are louder than your bullshit,
so just dancing with the devil

Dancing with the devil.
Dancing with the devil
You're dancing with the devil.

Calling - The Birthday Massacre

"Calling"

Come, take a look inside
What you lost you'll find
What you want is right in front of you
Look, underneath the stairs
What's broken is repaired
Now there's nothing left behind
Nothing left of you

Voices start to change
Faces rearrange
Eyes roll back and hands are pulling you down
They're dragging you beneath
In between your teeth
You'll sleep when the shadow move over your

Black eyes
I hear you calling out for me tonight
No rest for the soon departed
Black eyes
You won't be dreaming when you sleep tonight
I'll finish what you started

Eyes hiding in the hall
Hanging on the wall
Through this broken window
Feeling the cold distance of the moon
In this empty room
Now there's nothing left behind
And it's all because of you

Cover your ears
You don't wanna hear
The whispers in the walls
Are making it clear

You're all by yourself
There is no one else
You'll sleep when the shadow move over your

Black eyes
I hear you calling out for me tonight
No rest for the soon departed
Black eyes
You won't be dreaming when you sleep tonight
I'll finish what you started

Hands cover your eyes
Now that you realize
All the things you love
Were never here

What's lost will be found
Buried underground
You'll sleep when the shadow moves over you

Black eyes
I hear you calling out for me tonight
No rest for the soon departed
Black eyes
You won't be dreaming when you sleep tonight
I'll finish what you started

Downswing

So the trending of negativity has continued. The reset I was hoping for didn't occur, so I'm just going to detach for a while I think. Focus on my training at work, try and enjoy my time with my friends.

I need to get back on my slightly more strict eating habits, since I got back I've slipped a little. I still have largely been avoiding red meat, but my soda addiction is back. It's not like I'm having 3-4 a day though, usually just one. I'd like it to be down to one a week.

With all the craziness going on I also haven't had much chance to write. Combine that with a new game basically coming out every week, and I feel like my time is stretched very thin. I'm already trying to figure out what I'm going to do for vacation next year. Maybe this time I'll go somewhere farther. I'd like to go to the UK but I generally like to visit people, and my only friend in the UK is moving here in....64 days? Who knows, maybe keep it simple and go on a generic vacation to somewhere tropical....

Training for the new position starts Monday, which is unfortunate because I have to start late due to a funeral. Obviously the Funeral is more important, it just feels like the only truly good thing happening around me is this promotion.

The Phoenix - Fall Out Boy

Put on your war paint

You are a brick tied to me that's dragging me down
Strike a match and I'll burn you to the ground
We are the jack-o-lanterns in July
Setting fire to the sky
He-here comes this rising tide
So come on

Put on your war paint

Cross walks and crossed hearts and hope-to-dies
Silver clouds with grey linings

So we can take the world back from the heart-attacked
One maniac at a time we will take it back
You know time crawls on when you're waiting for the song to start
So dance alone to the beat of your heart

Hey young blood
Doesn't it feel like our time is running out?
I'm gonna change you like a remix
Then I'll raise you like a phoenix
You're wearing our vintage misery
No, I think it looked a little better on me
I'm gonna change you like a remix
Then I'll raise you like a phoenix

Bring home the boys and scrap scrap metal the tanks
Get hitched and make a career out of robbing banks
Because the world is just a teller and we are wearing black masks
"You broke our spirit," says the note we pass

So we can take the world back from the heart-attacked
One maniac at a time we will take it back
You know time crawls on when you're waiting for the song to start
So dance alone to the beat of your heart

Hey young blood
Doesn't it feel like our time is running out?
I'm gonna change you like a remix
Then I'll raise you like a phoenix
You're wearing our vintage misery
No, I think it looked a little better on me
I'm gonna change you like a remix
Then I'll raise you like a phoenix

Put on your war paint

[4x:]
The war is won
Before it's begun
Release the doves
Surrender love

(Wave the white flag!)

Hey young blood
Doesn't it feel like our time is running out?
I'm gonna change you like a remix
Then I'll raise you like a phoenix
You're wearing our vintage misery
No, I think it looked a little better on me
I'm gonna change you like a remix
Then I'll raise you like a phoenix

Hey young blood -
Doesn't it feel - like our time is running out?
I'm gonna change you like a remix -
Then I'll raise you like a phoenix

Put on your war paint

Put on your War Paint

Being here in San Jose has been a mixed bag due to certain events. I've had a genuinely awesome time, But getting the news that my grandmother may have had another stroke about 24 hours after arriving has added a layer of anxiety. Luckily she was with family when it happened, and luckily, family has been keeping me informed. She said not to come home, and honestly? I feel fine with that call... All that would happen there is what is happening to me here. I'd be a big ole bag of uselessness, since I can't do anything.

I got the promotion at work. It's a relief but another source of stress, but the good kind.

I have been taking the days where I am generally on my own while here to try and write. Most of it is rough and rusty, probably nothing useful, but I need to re-train to just keep writing no matter what. It's actually helping me a lot. The emotional damage October has been inflicting upon me seemed to what to keep it up, but I'm channeling it. In the mean time I'll keep my chin up. When I get home, there is a lot I'll have to pick up, and just remember what this vacation was supposed to do. I need to reset.

Reset

After 2 months of waiting and anticipating this vacation. The time is finally upon me. I've had ups and downs this last month or so, and if it weren't for this trip, I'd likely be looking at a downswing  again. I am excited for the trip, visiting friends, and meeting new people.

I'm quiet when you make me fade

"Make me Fade" - K.Flay

Don't think I've been this nervous with a cold drink
In my two hands, saying no thanks
Like any way it goes cause I know things
They shouldn't have told me
Now I'm thinking what for
Hanging by a sentence at the drug store
Barely even steady out the front door
Hate my own shit, but I love yours
Fuck I really love yours


7 in the afternoon, half asleep, count the cars
All I think about is you constantly, that's the hard part
Static on the line, I hear it all the time
But I'm quiet when you make me fade
Feel it coming back, watch it turn to black
But I'm brighter when you make me fade
You make me fade, you make me fade
You make me brighter when you make me fade


Tangled, found myself waking in the same clothes
Shaking from my temple to my ankles
Sunny but I need another raincoat
Waiting by a payphone
Finally I coughed up some awful information that I thought up
Well they think I've been messing with the wrong stuff
Nah I've been messing with the right shit
Yeah I fucking like it


Waiting for the call to come, who could say it was easy
Sad about the bad I've done, on my grave, please believe me
Static on the line, I hear it all the time
But I'm quiet when you make me fade
Feel it coming back, watch it turn to black
But I'm brighter when you make me fade
You make me fade, you make me fade
You make me brighter when you make me fade


Swear I've been trying to reach you I'm dying
You kill me why you keep your phone all on silent
Recognize my role, I fucked up the timing
But you and I lately been acting like islands
Make a girl wanna get stupid and violent
But silently I've been eyeing the horizon
Patterns repeat, it shouldn't be surprising


You know you make me
You make me fade, you make me fade
You make me brighter when you make me fade
You make me fade, you make me fade
You make me brighter when you make me fade
Static on the line, I hear it all the time
But I'm quiet when you make me fade
Feel it coming back, watch it turn to black
But I'm brighter when you make me fade

Birthday

Tomorrow is my Birthday. I'll be 29. People keep asking me about it being my last birthday of my 20's. It doesn't feel like a milestone to me. It's another year where I kind of just "got by". Not that I'm sad or anything about that. Given the circumstances I feel like I did VERY well this year in terms of personal growth and even growing up a bit.

I had my birthday thing the other night. I was doing okay until Nelly bought me a shot of vodka, and then Natasha got me a glass of scotch. They brought another girl from the high school years who I haven't seen in probably a decade, and she brought some weed and... well drunk Jamie has never been super great at making decisions. Despite the lack of inner circle exclusivity (I had a few people there that I would like to bring in, but I'm not sure yet), I still had an amazing time.

I think I handled myself reasonably well. I was asked a lot of questions that I think I dodged pretty well. I just didn't feel like answering them for real while I'm drunk, mostly because I don't think I could correctly articulate the right and complex answer.

Yesterday was recovery, and today is writing, music, and planning for my trip to San Jose. Still not sure how I'm getting to the airport. I need to be at the airport for 430am.

I'll probably just take a Taxi...

Failure by Design

Listening To: Pure Morning - Placebo
Drinking: Shocktop
Eating: Carrots
Watching: Nothing


I feel this huge weight on my shoulders lately. I have a lot riding on a potential move at work, and that will decide how the next year or so of my life unfold. I've never been good at making plans in advance, especially that far.

My birthday is coming up. I usually just go out with my friends for a beer, and play pool... Pool is basically the only thing I don't have in common with most of them. I usually use pool as a second or third date. I love the game, but none of my other friends do, and I don't want to force it on them. Besides we all share a love of board games and that's our thing.

With the birthday comes the realization that in several months it will be a new year, and thats brings with it a few major events that happened in January that... broke me in a few ways. The first weekend my grandmother had a stroke, and Allison cutting contact, which is just as much my choice as it was hers, I just didn't have the spine to force it to happen... I had work to distract me, and that helped me cover up the cracks.

I also so my therapist for the first time in a few months. She asked the usual fair of questions, and then we got in to it a bit. She asked me about the medication she prescribed, even though I had called her to tell her I wasn't going to be taking it anymore. Both her and my GP agreed it was the right move since all it seemed to do after a month was make me angry irrationally at things, and generally not change my mood for the better. I was never big on the idea of taking a pill to cure my feelings anyway. She asked me if I was content.The answer I gave her was generally.

The next part I told her was that I was scared. I crashed and burned my own life a few years ago because of being scared, unable to cope, unable to admit truths and unable to open up. I have that same feeling creeping in to me. This time I talk about it, openly, with pretty much anyone who will listen.

She's very good at her job. She simply let me talk about my life, and the various things I think about as I go, sort of like how I used to blog stream of consciousness style. She then took a few minutes to tell me that I'm not the villain I keep making myself feel like. She always says this, because I still feel like a villain in my own life, even though the part of my life is over where I was the villain. Remorse and guilt have a powerful hold on me, and I just need to keep reminding myself that I'm a good person generally.

She also mentioned that I might be feeling these "cracks"(my words) more because we are approaching the anniversary of my grandfathers death. She says she doesn't think I've squared myself with those feelings, nor the feelings I have from when I learned about the sort of man he really was.  I still miss him like crazy. I told her about my grandmothers boyfriend situation, and how it weirds me out, and even made me a little angry the other night.

If i'm still broken from that, it's no wonder I wasn't able to stabilize in a rocky relationship. I pushed away the only person at the time who could have maybe mended me. I shut down because... I didn't know how to do anything else, and I was stubborn, refusing to learn any other way. And then as I learned more I just regressed even more. Knowing doesn't fix it though, and if I'm still coping with the man who raised me being a slight scumbag, then I'm still damaged goods, just in a different way... Maybe I just need to be more upfront about my damages.

My trip to San Jose, away from everything familiar is exactly what I need. A full week in a new city.  I'll take the chance to reset, I hope.

"Gnothi seauton"

"Cry" by The Used

You'll never know what it feels like til you're there.
When love changes, faces appear from nowhere.
Where beautiful, lovely is ugly or alone.
You need me back bad, just can't be on your own.

Love is not a battle, it's a ticking time bomb.
Love is not a battle, it's a ticking time bomb.

I'm gonna let you bleed for a little bit.
I'm gonna make you beg just for making me cry.
I'm gonna make you wish you never said goodbye.

Now your life is broken, revolves around love.
No love of yourself but the love you have lost.
We said desperation is lonely despair.
You don't love yourself, you've got no love to share.

Love is not a battle, it's a ticking time bomb.
Love is not a battle, it's a ticking time bomb.

I'm gonna let you bleed for a little bit.
I'm gonna make you beg just for making me cry.
I'm gonna make you wish you never said goodbye.
I'm gonna let you bleed for a little bit.
I'm gonna make you beg just for making me cry.
I'm gonna make you wish you never said goodbye.

If you're gonna get me back you're gonna have to ask nicer than that.
If you're gonna get me back you're gonna have to ask nicer than that.
Nicer than that!
Nicer than that!
Nicer than that!
Nicer than that!

I'm gonna let you bleed for a little bit.
I'm gonna make you beg just for making me cry.
I'm gonna make you wish you never said goodbye.

If you're gonna get me back you're gonna have to ask nicer than that.
If you're gonna get me back you're gonna have to ask nicer than that.

Never say goodbye!

If you're gonna get me back you're gonna have to ask nicer than that!