Put on your war paint
You are a brick tied to me that's dragging me down
Strike a match and I'll burn you to the ground
We are the jack-o-lanterns in July
Setting fire to the sky
He-here comes this rising tide
So come on
Put on your war paint
Cross walks and crossed hearts and hope-to-dies
Silver clouds with grey linings
So we can take the world back from the heart-attacked
One maniac at a time we will take it back
You know time crawls on when you're waiting for the song to start
So dance alone to the beat of your heart
Hey young blood
Doesn't it feel like our time is running out?
I'm gonna change you like a remix
Then I'll raise you like a phoenix
You're wearing our vintage misery
No, I think it looked a little better on me
I'm gonna change you like a remix
Then I'll raise you like a phoenix
Bring home the boys and scrap scrap metal the tanks
Get hitched and make a career out of robbing banks
Because the world is just a teller and we are wearing black masks
"You broke our spirit," says the note we pass
So we can take the world back from the heart-attacked
One maniac at a time we will take it back
You know time crawls on when you're waiting for the song to start
So dance alone to the beat of your heart
Hey young blood
Doesn't it feel like our time is running out?
I'm gonna change you like a remix
Then I'll raise you like a phoenix
You're wearing our vintage misery
No, I think it looked a little better on me
I'm gonna change you like a remix
Then I'll raise you like a phoenix
Put on your war paint
[4x:]
The war is won
Before it's begun
Release the doves
Surrender love
(Wave the white flag!)
Hey young blood
Doesn't it feel like our time is running out?
I'm gonna change you like a remix
Then I'll raise you like a phoenix
You're wearing our vintage misery
No, I think it looked a little better on me
I'm gonna change you like a remix
Then I'll raise you like a phoenix
Hey young blood -
Doesn't it feel - like our time is running out?
I'm gonna change you like a remix -
Then I'll raise you like a phoenix
Put on your war paint
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Put on your War Paint
Being here in San Jose has been a mixed bag due to certain events. I've had a genuinely awesome time, But getting the news that my grandmother may have had another stroke about 24 hours after arriving has added a layer of anxiety. Luckily she was with family when it happened, and luckily, family has been keeping me informed. She said not to come home, and honestly? I feel fine with that call... All that would happen there is what is happening to me here. I'd be a big ole bag of uselessness, since I can't do anything.
I got the promotion at work. It's a relief but another source of stress, but the good kind.
I have been taking the days where I am generally on my own while here to try and write. Most of it is rough and rusty, probably nothing useful, but I need to re-train to just keep writing no matter what. It's actually helping me a lot. The emotional damage October has been inflicting upon me seemed to what to keep it up, but I'm channeling it. In the mean time I'll keep my chin up. When I get home, there is a lot I'll have to pick up, and just remember what this vacation was supposed to do. I need to reset.
I got the promotion at work. It's a relief but another source of stress, but the good kind.
I have been taking the days where I am generally on my own while here to try and write. Most of it is rough and rusty, probably nothing useful, but I need to re-train to just keep writing no matter what. It's actually helping me a lot. The emotional damage October has been inflicting upon me seemed to what to keep it up, but I'm channeling it. In the mean time I'll keep my chin up. When I get home, there is a lot I'll have to pick up, and just remember what this vacation was supposed to do. I need to reset.
Friday, October 24, 2014
Reset
After 2 months of waiting and anticipating this vacation. The time is finally upon me. I've had ups and downs this last month or so, and if it weren't for this trip, I'd likely be looking at a downswing again. I am excited for the trip, visiting friends, and meeting new people.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
I'm quiet when you make me fade
"Make me Fade" - K.Flay
In my two hands, saying no thanks
Like any way it goes cause I know things
They shouldn't have told me
Now I'm thinking what for
Hanging by a sentence at the drug store
Barely even steady out the front door
Hate my own shit, but I love yours
Fuck I really love yours
7 in the afternoon, half asleep, count the cars
All I think about is you constantly, that's the hard part
Static on the line, I hear it all the time
But I'm quiet when you make me fade
Feel it coming back, watch it turn to black
But I'm brighter when you make me fade
You make me fade, you make me fade
You make me brighter when you make me fade
Tangled, found myself waking in the same clothes
Shaking from my temple to my ankles
Sunny but I need another raincoat
Waiting by a payphone
Finally I coughed up some awful information that I thought up
Well they think I've been messing with the wrong stuff
Nah I've been messing with the right shit
Yeah I fucking like it
Waiting for the call to come, who could say it was easy
Sad about the bad I've done, on my grave, please believe me
Static on the line, I hear it all the time
But I'm quiet when you make me fade
Feel it coming back, watch it turn to black
But I'm brighter when you make me fade
You make me fade, you make me fade
You make me brighter when you make me fade
Swear I've been trying to reach you I'm dying
You kill me why you keep your phone all on silent
Recognize my role, I fucked up the timing
But you and I lately been acting like islands
Make a girl wanna get stupid and violent
But silently I've been eyeing the horizon
Patterns repeat, it shouldn't be surprising
You know you make me
You make me fade, you make me fade
You make me brighter when you make me fade
You make me fade, you make me fade
You make me brighter when you make me fade
Static on the line, I hear it all the time
But I'm quiet when you make me fade
Feel it coming back, watch it turn to black
But I'm brighter when you make me fade
Monday, October 13, 2014
Birthday
Tomorrow is my Birthday. I'll be 29. People keep asking me about it being my last birthday of my 20's. It doesn't feel like a milestone to me. It's another year where I kind of just "got by". Not that I'm sad or anything about that. Given the circumstances I feel like I did VERY well this year in terms of personal growth and even growing up a bit.
I had my birthday thing the other night. I was doing okay until Nelly bought me a shot of vodka, and then Natasha got me a glass of scotch. They brought another girl from the high school years who I haven't seen in probably a decade, and she brought some weed and... well drunk Jamie has never been super great at making decisions. Despite the lack of inner circle exclusivity (I had a few people there that I would like to bring in, but I'm not sure yet), I still had an amazing time.
I think I handled myself reasonably well. I was asked a lot of questions that I think I dodged pretty well. I just didn't feel like answering them for real while I'm drunk, mostly because I don't think I could correctly articulate the right and complex answer.
Yesterday was recovery, and today is writing, music, and planning for my trip to San Jose. Still not sure how I'm getting to the airport. I need to be at the airport for 430am.
I'll probably just take a Taxi...
I had my birthday thing the other night. I was doing okay until Nelly bought me a shot of vodka, and then Natasha got me a glass of scotch. They brought another girl from the high school years who I haven't seen in probably a decade, and she brought some weed and... well drunk Jamie has never been super great at making decisions. Despite the lack of inner circle exclusivity (I had a few people there that I would like to bring in, but I'm not sure yet), I still had an amazing time.
I think I handled myself reasonably well. I was asked a lot of questions that I think I dodged pretty well. I just didn't feel like answering them for real while I'm drunk, mostly because I don't think I could correctly articulate the right and complex answer.
Yesterday was recovery, and today is writing, music, and planning for my trip to San Jose. Still not sure how I'm getting to the airport. I need to be at the airport for 430am.
I'll probably just take a Taxi...
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Failure by Design
Listening To: Pure Morning - Placebo
Drinking: Shocktop
Eating: Carrots
Watching: Nothing
I feel this huge weight on my shoulders lately. I have a lot riding on a potential move at work, and that will decide how the next year or so of my life unfold. I've never been good at making plans in advance, especially that far.
My birthday is coming up. I usually just go out with my friends for a beer, and play pool... Pool is basically the only thing I don't have in common with most of them. I usually use pool as a second or third date. I love the game, but none of my other friends do, and I don't want to force it on them. Besides we all share a love of board games and that's our thing.
With the birthday comes the realization that in several months it will be a new year, and thats brings with it a few major events that happened in January that... broke me in a few ways. The first weekend my grandmother had a stroke, and Allison cutting contact, which is just as much my choice as it was hers, I just didn't have the spine to force it to happen... I had work to distract me, and that helped me cover up the cracks.
I also so my therapist for the first time in a few months. She asked the usual fair of questions, and then we got in to it a bit. She asked me about the medication she prescribed, even though I had called her to tell her I wasn't going to be taking it anymore. Both her and my GP agreed it was the right move since all it seemed to do after a month was make me angry irrationally at things, and generally not change my mood for the better. I was never big on the idea of taking a pill to cure my feelings anyway. She asked me if I was content.The answer I gave her was generally.
The next part I told her was that I was scared. I crashed and burned my own life a few years ago because of being scared, unable to cope, unable to admit truths and unable to open up. I have that same feeling creeping in to me. This time I talk about it, openly, with pretty much anyone who will listen.
She's very good at her job. She simply let me talk about my life, and the various things I think about as I go, sort of like how I used to blog stream of consciousness style. She then took a few minutes to tell me that I'm not the villain I keep making myself feel like. She always says this, because I still feel like a villain in my own life, even though the part of my life is over where I was the villain. Remorse and guilt have a powerful hold on me, and I just need to keep reminding myself that I'm a good person generally.
She also mentioned that I might be feeling these "cracks"(my words) more because we are approaching the anniversary of my grandfathers death. She says she doesn't think I've squared myself with those feelings, nor the feelings I have from when I learned about the sort of man he really was. I still miss him like crazy. I told her about my grandmothers boyfriend situation, and how it weirds me out, and even made me a little angry the other night.
If i'm still broken from that, it's no wonder I wasn't able to stabilize in a rocky relationship. I pushed away the only person at the time who could have maybe mended me. I shut down because... I didn't know how to do anything else, and I was stubborn, refusing to learn any other way. And then as I learned more I just regressed even more. Knowing doesn't fix it though, and if I'm still coping with the man who raised me being a slight scumbag, then I'm still damaged goods, just in a different way... Maybe I just need to be more upfront about my damages.
My trip to San Jose, away from everything familiar is exactly what I need. A full week in a new city. I'll take the chance to reset, I hope.
"Gnothi seauton"
Drinking: Shocktop
Eating: Carrots
Watching: Nothing
I feel this huge weight on my shoulders lately. I have a lot riding on a potential move at work, and that will decide how the next year or so of my life unfold. I've never been good at making plans in advance, especially that far.
My birthday is coming up. I usually just go out with my friends for a beer, and play pool... Pool is basically the only thing I don't have in common with most of them. I usually use pool as a second or third date. I love the game, but none of my other friends do, and I don't want to force it on them. Besides we all share a love of board games and that's our thing.
With the birthday comes the realization that in several months it will be a new year, and thats brings with it a few major events that happened in January that... broke me in a few ways. The first weekend my grandmother had a stroke, and Allison cutting contact, which is just as much my choice as it was hers, I just didn't have the spine to force it to happen... I had work to distract me, and that helped me cover up the cracks.
I also so my therapist for the first time in a few months. She asked the usual fair of questions, and then we got in to it a bit. She asked me about the medication she prescribed, even though I had called her to tell her I wasn't going to be taking it anymore. Both her and my GP agreed it was the right move since all it seemed to do after a month was make me angry irrationally at things, and generally not change my mood for the better. I was never big on the idea of taking a pill to cure my feelings anyway. She asked me if I was content.The answer I gave her was generally.
The next part I told her was that I was scared. I crashed and burned my own life a few years ago because of being scared, unable to cope, unable to admit truths and unable to open up. I have that same feeling creeping in to me. This time I talk about it, openly, with pretty much anyone who will listen.
She's very good at her job. She simply let me talk about my life, and the various things I think about as I go, sort of like how I used to blog stream of consciousness style. She then took a few minutes to tell me that I'm not the villain I keep making myself feel like. She always says this, because I still feel like a villain in my own life, even though the part of my life is over where I was the villain. Remorse and guilt have a powerful hold on me, and I just need to keep reminding myself that I'm a good person generally.
She also mentioned that I might be feeling these "cracks"(my words) more because we are approaching the anniversary of my grandfathers death. She says she doesn't think I've squared myself with those feelings, nor the feelings I have from when I learned about the sort of man he really was. I still miss him like crazy. I told her about my grandmothers boyfriend situation, and how it weirds me out, and even made me a little angry the other night.
If i'm still broken from that, it's no wonder I wasn't able to stabilize in a rocky relationship. I pushed away the only person at the time who could have maybe mended me. I shut down because... I didn't know how to do anything else, and I was stubborn, refusing to learn any other way. And then as I learned more I just regressed even more. Knowing doesn't fix it though, and if I'm still coping with the man who raised me being a slight scumbag, then I'm still damaged goods, just in a different way... Maybe I just need to be more upfront about my damages.
My trip to San Jose, away from everything familiar is exactly what I need. A full week in a new city. I'll take the chance to reset, I hope.
"Gnothi seauton"
Friday, October 3, 2014
"Cry" by The Used
You'll never know what it feels like til you're there.
When love changes, faces appear from nowhere.
Where beautiful, lovely is ugly or alone.
You need me back bad, just can't be on your own.
Love is not a battle, it's a ticking time bomb.
Love is not a battle, it's a ticking time bomb.
I'm gonna let you bleed for a little bit.
I'm gonna make you beg just for making me cry.
I'm gonna make you wish you never said goodbye.
Now your life is broken, revolves around love.
No love of yourself but the love you have lost.
We said desperation is lonely despair.
You don't love yourself, you've got no love to share.
Love is not a battle, it's a ticking time bomb.
Love is not a battle, it's a ticking time bomb.
I'm gonna let you bleed for a little bit.
I'm gonna make you beg just for making me cry.
I'm gonna make you wish you never said goodbye.
I'm gonna let you bleed for a little bit.
I'm gonna make you beg just for making me cry.
I'm gonna make you wish you never said goodbye.
If you're gonna get me back you're gonna have to ask nicer than that.
If you're gonna get me back you're gonna have to ask nicer than that.
Nicer than that!
Nicer than that!
Nicer than that!
Nicer than that!
I'm gonna let you bleed for a little bit.
I'm gonna make you beg just for making me cry.
I'm gonna make you wish you never said goodbye.
If you're gonna get me back you're gonna have to ask nicer than that.
If you're gonna get me back you're gonna have to ask nicer than that.
Never say goodbye!
If you're gonna get me back you're gonna have to ask nicer than that!
When love changes, faces appear from nowhere.
Where beautiful, lovely is ugly or alone.
You need me back bad, just can't be on your own.
Love is not a battle, it's a ticking time bomb.
Love is not a battle, it's a ticking time bomb.
I'm gonna let you bleed for a little bit.
I'm gonna make you beg just for making me cry.
I'm gonna make you wish you never said goodbye.
Now your life is broken, revolves around love.
No love of yourself but the love you have lost.
We said desperation is lonely despair.
You don't love yourself, you've got no love to share.
Love is not a battle, it's a ticking time bomb.
Love is not a battle, it's a ticking time bomb.
I'm gonna let you bleed for a little bit.
I'm gonna make you beg just for making me cry.
I'm gonna make you wish you never said goodbye.
I'm gonna let you bleed for a little bit.
I'm gonna make you beg just for making me cry.
I'm gonna make you wish you never said goodbye.
If you're gonna get me back you're gonna have to ask nicer than that.
If you're gonna get me back you're gonna have to ask nicer than that.
Nicer than that!
Nicer than that!
Nicer than that!
Nicer than that!
I'm gonna let you bleed for a little bit.
I'm gonna make you beg just for making me cry.
I'm gonna make you wish you never said goodbye.
If you're gonna get me back you're gonna have to ask nicer than that.
If you're gonna get me back you're gonna have to ask nicer than that.
Never say goodbye!
If you're gonna get me back you're gonna have to ask nicer than that!
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