I don't pretend to have any Shame

I felt whole for the first time about a week go, in about 2 years. There was some question as to where I am, how I feel or my contentedness.

I cancelled all my online dating profiles, deleted OKcupid, the only thing left is Tinder on my phone, and honestly The only reason I keep it is to show people that Tinder exists on Windows Phone at work. It felt liberating. It's basically a full time job; convincing someone, based solely on little white boxes on the internet and a few pictures, to meet you, and there's no guarantee there will be a connection. I have succeeded 3 times at this, and none of them panned out.  Besides, I'd rather take that energy and put it into developing existing or new skills, fostering existing relationships. That's not to say I'm not open to things as they develop, but I'm done chasing that carrot.

Things feel great, and are great, and I felt like sharing it with the world. More The Weeknd now.

You just wanna fill the void now

I can tell that you've been yelling at him all night long

And I can hear it in your voice now

He got you smoking extra packs a day

Don't you worry 'bout me talking

I know why you've been coming

I'll be quiet, this ain't nothing to me

Just wrap your legs around my waist

I won't stop until you ask me

Don't you worry 'bout us messing up my sheets

Cause unlike you I got nothing to hide

I don't pretend to have any shame

I got a box we could put all your lies in

Until the end of days

You know that I will be a call away

The call you make when you're all alone

And I know that I will always be the one

You repent when you are done

The Weeknd Delivers

You’ll never make me stay
So take your weight off of me
I know your every move
So won’t you please let me be
I’ve been here times before
But I was to blind to see
That you seduce every man
This time you won’t seduce me

She’s saying that’s ok
Hey, baby, do what you please
I am the stuff that you want
I am the thing that you need
She looked me deep in the eyes
She’s touchin’ me so to start
She says there’s no turnin’ back
She trapped me in her heart

[Hook]
Dirty Diana, no
Dirty Diana, no
Dirty Diana, no
Dirty Diana
Let me be!

Ooh

She likes the boys in the band
She knows when they come to town
Every musician’s fan after the curtains come down
She waits at backstage doors
For those who have prestige
Who promise fortune and fame
A life that’s so carefree

She’s saying that’s ok
Hey, baby, do what you want
I’ll be your night lovin’ thing
I’ll be the freak you can taunt
And I don’t care what you say
I want to go too far
I’ll be your everything
If you make me a star

[Hook]
Dirty Diana, oh
Dirty Diana, no
Dirty Diana, ooh
Dirty Diana
Dirty Diana, ooh
Dirty Diana, no
Dirty Diana, no
Dirty Diana
Let me be…

She said I have to go home
Cause I’m real tired you see
But I hate sleepin’ alone
Why don’t you come with me
I said my baby’s at home
She’s probably worried tonight
I didn’t call on the phone to
Say that I’m alright

Diana walked up to me
She said I’m all yours tonight
At that I ran to the phone
Sayin’ baby, I’m alright
I said unlock the door
Because I forgot the key
She said he’s not coming back
Because he’s sleeping with me

Bigger on the Inside

Every I think I've hit some sort of breakthrough, or objective, I'm reminded of how unaware I am of my capabilities. I am good at what I do.

tbs

"They Don't Have Any Friends"

It's a free for all
First comments served
Half listens in
And haven't watched it until the end yet
I haven't watched it until the end
But you can't stop yourself
(You can't stop yourself)
But you can't stop yourself
(Before you could get it for free)
Do you remember what that used to mean?

I'm not angry, I'm not anything at all
I'm not angry
I'm not anything at all
Why work if you don't have to?
Don't listen we'll do it for you
Cause I feel like a bigger man
With the upper hand
In those last few seconds before I hit send

I keep my head down and hope for a hit
Open the flood gates for all those smug little kids
(It's not their fault)
They don't have any friends
(They can't help themselves)
They can't stop themselves
(They can't stop themselves)
Undressing themselves
(Alone in their room)
Thinking that no one will ever love them
(Is to tell me what I'm doing wrong)

It didn't make you happy, It didn't make you anything at all
But you kept asking
You kept asking for that song
And I'm not angry, I'm not anything at all
I'm not angry
I'm not anything at all
Why work if you don't have to?
Don't listen we'll do it for you
Cause I feel like a bigger man
With the upper hand
In those last few seconds before I hit send

It didn't make you happy, It didn't make you anything at all
But you kept asking
You kept asking for that song

Why work if you don't have to?
Don't listen we'll do it for you
Cause I fell like a bigger man
With the upper hand
In those last few seconds before I hit send

Krewella - Dancing with the Devil

You're dancing with the devil
You're dancing with the devil

Whoa oh, whoa oh
Our clipped wings will never hold us down,
Whoa oh, whoa oh
We are kings from the underground
We, we came, to rain on your parade
And if we die, then, who will be your remedy,
so shut the fuck up, we're about to leave a legacy.

We are louder the your bullshit
So, you're just dancing with the devil
We are louder then your bullshit
So, just dancing with the devil

Whoa oh, whoa oh,
Our clipped wings will never hold us down,
Whoa oh, whoa oh,
We are kings from the underground
We, we came, to rain on your parade
And if we die, then, who will be your remedy
So shut the fuck up, we're about to leave a legacy

We are louder than your bullshit,
so just dancing with the devil

Dancing with the devil.
Dancing with the devil
You're dancing with the devil.

Calling - The Birthday Massacre

"Calling"

Come, take a look inside
What you lost you'll find
What you want is right in front of you
Look, underneath the stairs
What's broken is repaired
Now there's nothing left behind
Nothing left of you

Voices start to change
Faces rearrange
Eyes roll back and hands are pulling you down
They're dragging you beneath
In between your teeth
You'll sleep when the shadow move over your

Black eyes
I hear you calling out for me tonight
No rest for the soon departed
Black eyes
You won't be dreaming when you sleep tonight
I'll finish what you started

Eyes hiding in the hall
Hanging on the wall
Through this broken window
Feeling the cold distance of the moon
In this empty room
Now there's nothing left behind
And it's all because of you

Cover your ears
You don't wanna hear
The whispers in the walls
Are making it clear

You're all by yourself
There is no one else
You'll sleep when the shadow move over your

Black eyes
I hear you calling out for me tonight
No rest for the soon departed
Black eyes
You won't be dreaming when you sleep tonight
I'll finish what you started

Hands cover your eyes
Now that you realize
All the things you love
Were never here

What's lost will be found
Buried underground
You'll sleep when the shadow moves over you

Black eyes
I hear you calling out for me tonight
No rest for the soon departed
Black eyes
You won't be dreaming when you sleep tonight
I'll finish what you started

Downswing

So the trending of negativity has continued. The reset I was hoping for didn't occur, so I'm just going to detach for a while I think. Focus on my training at work, try and enjoy my time with my friends.

I need to get back on my slightly more strict eating habits, since I got back I've slipped a little. I still have largely been avoiding red meat, but my soda addiction is back. It's not like I'm having 3-4 a day though, usually just one. I'd like it to be down to one a week.

With all the craziness going on I also haven't had much chance to write. Combine that with a new game basically coming out every week, and I feel like my time is stretched very thin. I'm already trying to figure out what I'm going to do for vacation next year. Maybe this time I'll go somewhere farther. I'd like to go to the UK but I generally like to visit people, and my only friend in the UK is moving here in....64 days? Who knows, maybe keep it simple and go on a generic vacation to somewhere tropical....

Training for the new position starts Monday, which is unfortunate because I have to start late due to a funeral. Obviously the Funeral is more important, it just feels like the only truly good thing happening around me is this promotion.