I know I'm bad news.

"Just One Yesterday" - Fall Out Boy
(feat. Foxes)

I thought of angels
Choking on their halos
Get them drunk on rose water
See how dirty I can get them
Pulling out their fragile teeth
And clip their tiny wings

Anything you say can and will be held against you
So only say my name
It will be held against you
Anything you say can and will be held against you
So only say my name

If heaven’s grief brings hell’s rain
Then I’d trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday
(I know I’m bad news)
For just one yesterday
(I saved it all for you)
Oh, I want to teach you a lesson in the worst kind of way
Still I’d trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday
(I know I’m bad news)
For just one yesterday
(I saved it all for you)
For just one yesterday

Letting people down is my thing, baby
Find yourself a new gig
This town ain’t big enough for two of us
I don’t have the right name
Or the right looks
But I have twice the heart

Anything you say can and will be held against you
So only say my name
It will be held against you
Anything you say can and will be held against you
So only say my name (name)

If heaven’s grief brings hell’s rain
Then I’d trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday
(I know I’m bad news)
For just one yesterday
(I saved it all for you)
I want to teach you a lesson in the worst kind of way
Still I’d trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday
(I know I’m bad news)
For just one yesterday
(I saved it all for you)
For just one yesterday

If I spilled my guts
The world would never look at you the same way
And now I’m here to give you all my love
So I can watch your face as I take it all away, away, away, ay ay ay

If heaven’s grief brings hell’s rain
Then I’d trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday
(I know I’m bad news)
For just one yesterday
(I saved it all for you)
I want to teach you a lesson in the worst kind of way
Still I’d trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday
(I know I’m bad news)
For just one yesterday
(I saved it all for you)
For just one yesterday

Extended Family

So, I don’t really have any attachment to my extended family (as in, my grandmothers sister/brother and their families). I recently asked a question on behalf of my friends, just as a curiosity. Had I known the drama that would ensue from it, I wouldn’t have bothered.

So my old basement apartment has been quasi-occupied for the last year or so, by my cousin, and her baby. I say quasi because since I moved back in April she has been here, collectively for maybe…I don’t know, 3 weeks? 3 Weeks out of  6 months. All her stuff is in there, crib, an electric fire place, etc. But she is notably absent most of the time. At first I thought it might be my presence, but I’m clearly not a bother. Even when I moved my “office” downstairs I was polite, I used headphones, and did little in the way to cause disruption to her. The conflict isn’t here, because this is just context. Also, she hasn’t paid any rent. This is important for a couple reasons:

1 1)      While family, it was expected that there would be SOMETHING paid

2 2)     When I asked if the apartment was available, my grandmother liked the prospect of actually earning some income out of the apartment.

So when I asked if it was available, or would be available, as my cousin is here maybe 3 days out of a month, I assumed it would be a “let me see”.

What actually happened was a shit storm of drama, and this all within the last week or so.

Now my grandmother has only been “texting” for… a month? Maybe 2. So her texts are fairly blunt, much like her, and she gets to the point. It sounds like the text message to my cousin went something like this: “I have someone who wants to rent the apartment for November”. Notice no question mark? So whatever, apparently my cousin relents it, says that’s fine, then bitches to my great Aunt, who in turn starts to bitch at my grandmother, now leveraging the baby (“you will only see her at formal family occasions” real fucking mature for a woman in her 60s right?), and making my grandmother feel supremely guilty I imagine.

Like… I don’t know man, my grandmother could have gone about it in a more subtle way, but some context on my grandmother: She looked after her mother, in her house (the one I currently live in) for… what felt like forever, and I can count on one hand the number of times my aunt came to visit outside of regular holidays and mother’s day.  She has paid airfare for my cousin to fly home from London when her job was not working out over there (London England). She paid for her flight to Cuba, the same trip she got knocked up by a Cuban local. She has put a lot of time into driving both my cousin and great aunt around to various appointments and other things. My grandmother is the most giving person I know. And I know I don’t appreciate it enough. But to see her SISTER treat her this way? To see my cousin hide behind her mother like this when she is nearly 30? Like… What the fuck. On top of that, my aunt took a swipe at me and my “silly” friends. I don’t really care what my aunt thinks about me or my friends, silly as we are, but when I’m already angry at you for your treatment of my grandmother (The most generous person, of heart and of finances), it’s the final nail in the coffin. I was cordial and polite at her 60^th birthday the other weekend, had I known this was the flag she was actually flying, things would be different.

I touched on me not being appreciative enough. This track of events has… impressed upon me the importance of not taking that for granted.

*Disclaimer: I may not have the whole story, but I have enough. I can’t envision a world where my grandmother is in the wrong here, unless she’s secretly Hitler, she’s just not a bad person.

Sunday Morning

Dream was a weird version of Veronica Mars meets my life.
She was solving a Rape and murder. But she wasn't really, it was like I was on a holodeck and playing between her and someone else, because I was apparently already aware of some of the larger details of the case, the only thing I couldn't remember was the name. It was in my friend Malley's parent's house.

Except larger, and it swapped from about  single rape and murder to a weird cult holding the house party hostage. Cell phones were collected, except for mine which was my old iphone 3GS. I solved the murder, but knew I had to wait for the police to ride in to the rescue, which was some time away, so I volunteered to cooperate if they let me sit on a couch and watch TV, which they did. Then veronica mars dragged some other blond girl, cute enough I suppose. She was handcuffed, and bitching about it. I don't remember the specifics, but this girl was an ex (not a real ex) of mine. Claiming she had some something something... whatever. It's fading now, some big dude i nthe cult came down, worried about a wire tap in a lamp, since the light was out...

That's where I woke up. It was a weird and offputting dream

The best of us can find happiness in misery(Fall Our Boy Lyrics)

Say my name and his in the same breath
I dare you to say they taste the same
Let the leaves fall off in the summer
And let December glow in flames

Erase myself and let go
Start it over again in Mexico
These friends, they don't love you
They just love the hotel suites, now

I don't care what you think as long as it's about me 
The best of us can find happiness in misery 
Said,
I don't care what you think as long as it's about me 
The best of us can find happiness in misery

Oh take a chance, let your body get a tolerance 
I'm not a chance, put a heat wave in your pants 
Pull a breath like another cigarette 
Pawnshop heart trading up (trading up) 

On the oracle in my chest, 
Let the guitar scream like a fascist 
Sweat it out, shut your mouth 
free love on the streets but 
in the alley it ain't that cheap, now

I don't care what you think as long as it's about me 
The best of us can find happiness in misery 
Said,
I don't care what you think as long as it's about me 
The best of us can find happiness in misery

Said,
I don't care just what you think 
as long as it's about me, you said
I don't care just what you think 
as long as it's about me, I said
I don't care (I don't care)
Said, I don't care (I don't care)
Said, I (I) don't (don't) care (care)
I (I) don't (don't) care (no I don't)
I don't care, (I said)
I don't care, (I said)
I (I) don't (don't) care (care)

I don't care what you think as long as it's about me 
The best of us can find happiness in misery 
Said,
I don't care what you think as long as it's about me 
The best of us can find happiness in misery

Soldier's Eyes

Lately I've been wondering what's been going on 
I've been here before but I don't remember when 
And every time we get to where we're entering 
I feel my beliefs and hopes surrendering 

But I know I'll be coming home soon 
And yes 
I know that I'll be coming home soon 

'Cause like the enemies that we are battling 
I am nothing but a human alien 
Left with nothing else but to keep wandering 
Down this path whilst stopping my hands trembling 

Because I know that I'll be coming home soon 
And yes 
I know that I'll be coming home soon with a soldier's eyes 
With a soldier's eyes 
With a soldier's eyes 
With a soldier's eyes 

I've seen inside the devil's dreams where young men die 
And graveyards open up their arms for mothers left to cry 
I have seen the bleeding and I hate what we've done 
But just like every other fool I'll keep marching on 

Because I know that I'll be coming home soon 
And yes 
I know, that I'll be coming home soon with a soldier's eyes 
With a soldier's eyes 
With a soldier's eyes 
With a soldier's eyes

Young Volcanoes(Fall Out Boy)

When Rome's in ruins, we are the lions
Free of the coliseums
In poison places, we are anti-venom
We're the beginning of the end

Tonight the foxes hunt the hounds
It's all over now before it has begun
We've already won

We are wild, we are like young volcanoes
We are wild, Americana, exotica
Do you wanna feel a little beautiful baby?
Yeah!

Come on make it easy, say I never mattered
Run it up the flagpole
We will teach you how to make boys next door
Out of assholes

Tonight the foxes hunt the hounds
It's all over now before it has begun
We've already won

We are wild, we are like young volcanoes
We are wild, Americana, exotica
Do you wanna feel a little beautiful baby?
Yeah!

We are wild, we are like young volcanoes
We are wild, Americana, exotica
Do you wanna feel a little beautiful baby?
Yeah!

Quote(Evans Blue)

"Quote"

Quote you are my soul unquote
Now does that sound familiar?
Kiss the boy and make him feel this way

Quote well this is me unquote
You have been so ugly your entire life
So why change now?

Is this how you want to go down?
Right before my eyes
You are the saddest sight I know
You're quiet you never make a sound
But here inside my mind you are the loudest one I know

Quote we never talk unquote
And thats when I don't answer
Don't you dare ask why
Because you don't want to know,

Quote Well woe is me unquote
How different I've become
And no one understands, my dear, no one really cares

Is this how you want to go down?
Right before my eyes, you are the saddest sight, I know
And you're quiet you never make a sound, but here inside my mind you are the loudest one I know

And you were right, right from the start
It took everything you had, but you finally broke my...

And now the old things will pass away
I saw your light once
Did you see mine?
But not all things will pass away
You turned your light off
So I turned mine, away from your sadness, away from the nothing that you feel for me

Is this how you want to go down?
Right before my eyes, you are the saddest sight, I know
You're so quiet and you never make a sound
But here inside my mind you are the loudest one, I know
And you were right, right from the start, it took everything you had, but you finally broke my ...

Quote, hey listen 'cause I'll only say this once
I finally found the words
That mean enough to me
Good bye my soul, unquote